TEMP AGENCIES IS COMMUNISM!

You might not initially think of how evilly communist staffing agencies are. After all, streamlining the process of getting temporary workers has been a big part of allowing businesses to avoid having to deal with whiny employees demanding things like "benefits" when they should be thankful for the privilege of having a job. But really, temp agencies are communist vampire leeches on the backs of American entrepreneurs! They charge ludicrous fees on top of what businesses pay their agents, money that could be going into the pockets of the CEOs, VPs, and shareholders who have risked so much and labored so hard to make the company successful. Really, temping agencies are like the worthless drug-addled welfare queen homeless bum poor people who don't contribute anything, but just get fat and pregnant and high on the labor of others.

Ergo, temp agencies is COMMUNISM, and should be considered the sworn enemy of all Real Americans!

This Is Also Not Communism

Protect Insurance Companies PSA from Will Ferrell

It's so refreshing to see those Hollywood LIEburros standing up for the executive entrepreneurs that are the backbone of American society! I guess Will Ferrel isn't a communist after all!

Wine is Communism!

Wine is the preferred drink of fruity Europeans and Hollywood liberals, and is therefore most definitely COMMUNISM! When Real Americans want to get their drink on, they load up some coolers in the back of their pickup trucks with real alcohol like Natty Ice and Budweiser and go sit around a bonfire drinking brews and eating s'mores.

If you disagree with this, you are equating s'mores with communism and are therefore a horrible person.

This is Not Communism

Now this is what America needs! More of the hard-working billionaire entrepreneurs who built and maintain our society standing up for their right to PROFIT against the dirty hippies who want everyone to have medical care without having to pay reasonable market rates for it. Corporate bonuses buy things like yachts and luxury cars and coke off the ass of high-priced call girls and other things that keep the economy moving, and are therefore much more important than giving worthless poor people cancer treatments.

ILLINOIS IS COMMUNISM

If you are fortunate enough to have never been to Illinois, then you remain blissfully unaware of what a festering cesspool of asinine, omnipresent toll booths it is. Every few miles on any major road in Illinois, there is a toll station that requires some eldritch sum that you're guaranteed to not have on you in order to pass. Only a wretched communist would devise such an insipid scheme. I imagine the following conversation taking place:

Illinois Stalin: "Hey, Comrade, how about instead of setting up toll booths at the highway exits that charge people based on how far they drove like those capitalist dogs in New York do, we put random toll booths along the highway that stop traffic and have strange payment amounts that no one ever has on them?"

Illinois Lenin: "I love you, Comrade Stalin! Let us make sweet Communist love on the shag rug by the fireplace!"

Obviously, Illinois is COMMUNISM!

The Snuggie Is Communism!

I mean seriously, look at this thing. How could it not be communism? It's like the blood-drenched robes the high druid-wizard-priests of communism wear when they descend into the dark catacombs beneath that frilly onion-domed cathedral in Moscow to sacrifice pure and wholesome Real American capitalist virgins to their dark god Non Profit!

Also, there is a SnuggieSutra that advises couples on how to have carnal relations between people while only using one Snuggie. Encouraging two people to enjoy one product instead of both of them buying one is definitely COMMUNISM!

Kanye West Is Communism!

Kanye tried to make Taylor Swift (who sings songs with banjos in them and is therefore a really Real American!) share the glory for winning an extremely prestigious Video Music Award. A Video Music Award is not like one of those socialist Nobel Prize things that you share with the rest of your non-God-fearing team of scientists; it is all about YOU and YOUR LABOR. And we all know that sharing the fruits of your labor is communism.

It is also a known fact that Kanye West is a gay fish. And while not all communists are gay fish, all gay fish are communists.

However, all people who wear such douchebag glasses are most definitely communists.

Therefore, Kanye West is COMMUNISM!

CATS IS COMMUNISM!

Cats are really the ultimate allegory for communism. Like communists, cats lay around all day being lazy and expect everything to be given to them without having to labor and toil for it like Real Americans. Also like communists, if you turn them upside down and tickle their bellies, cats become extremely irate and will hiss and scratch. Cats also hate water, much like those dirty smelly hippie communists who try to get you to join their drum circle and become a hairy lesbian.

Even moreso, the Internet phenomenon known as "lolcats" is COMMUNISM! When is the last time you paid for a lolcat? Enjoying things without paying for them does nothing to stimulate the economy and is therefore COMMUNISM!

Cyclops is Communism!

Cyclops might be one of the most communist figures ever pawned off on American youth as a "hero". I mean seriously, he shoots RED eye beams! Clearly, Cyclops intends to burn the world to a commie scum cinder.

Other reasons Cyclops is communism:

-he's a mutant, just like all communists.

-he dumps hot chicks because he has "conflicted feelings" about them. Real Capitalist American men don't care about any of that foofery.

-he's a douchebag, just like all communists.

Millions of Unreal Americans are wasting what could be productive hours this evening listening to the President of Kenya talk about health insurance "reform". Well, this Real American is here to tell you the truth: health insurance is COMMUNISM!

Think about it: the entire idea of health insurance is to pay into the system less than you end up taking out of it. My heart bleeds for those poor American corporations that have been duped into this scheme whereby people think they have the right to get health care for less than it costs just because they paid a little bit of their paychecks towards it for months and years previously. All Real Americans should be outraged at this travesty of justice! I say that real reform would mandate ABOLISHING health insurance. You still pay a corporation your fees each month... after all, you wouldn't want to be getting unapproved medical treatments, would you... but if you get medical care and haven't paid in enough to cover it (less reasonable deductions for company marketing and executive salaries, of course), you still owe that money. And if you can't pay, you have to go to work for the company until your debt is taken care of and all is fair.

Now THAT'S how to build a healthier, stronger America! I, for one, am proud not to have health insurance!